Saturday, 28 February 2015

The journey of a weak slave

If there's anything I've learnt about the dunya, it's that it is easy to get lost in. You can watch 36 episodes of a TV show straight and never emerge from your room for hours and no one would notice. You could miss every prayer and inch closer to your death with every breath and lose all track of time.  You can frolick days away watching TV and staring at your phone like a robot and barely hearing the sounds of the azaan. And whatever sin is your primary failing, you can find hundreds of people to bond over it with. Whether it's alcohol or drugs or music or haraam relationships or porn, you can get all sorts of people from all walks of life to share your haram pleasures with and you can get lost in the poetry they make of your sins , the glorification of the most shameful deeds, the beautification of the foolishness that you chose to fall into.

It is easy to get lost in and I've been lost so many times.

I've learnt lessons no books in the world could teach me except one. I've done things I thought I would never have done and I have been well and truly deceived by the glitter of the world I was so sure would never have my love.

I've been lost and I've been saved as many times as I've been lost. I've been lost in the wrong people , in the wrong words, and in the deception of the fools, I have played the fool. I've fallen in with the wrong crowd, I have been the wrong crowd, I have sinned until I thought I would never recover except for the fact that I was still alive and I thought hey, I still have another chance. I'm not dead yet.

I have been tainted with the ink on my left shoulder I wish I could erase. I have been the engineer of my own destruction , the victim of the misery I suffered at my own hands, I have been mercilessly taunted by the devils living inside my head that I still yearn for what I repented and gave up , I have feared again and again that I will return to what I used to be , I will return to the person I couldn't recognise as myself anymore.

And yet.
And yet, I have been unfailingly saved everytime I forgot myself . Everytime I lost myself I have been brought back in a brutal or a gentle fashion, but I have been brought back, been made to wake the hell up, been made to change and cleanse, been purified and repentant.

Everytime I have been lost I have been found.

And even now when the demons threaten to break the last thread of resistance my soul can put up in the ultimate battle between the nafs and the rūh , I am finally sure that I will win.
Not because I am strong .
Not because my faith is strong.
Not because I have forgotten how weak and how chained to my base desires I am.
But because I know He is watching over me. I know that He loves me more than 70 mothers and I know that even if somehow  (I hope not )I do fail again, He will be there to accept me and bring me back again.

… the life of this world is only a deceiving enjoyment. (Al-Hadid 57:20)

Verily, the Promise of Allâh is true, let not then this (worldly) present life deceive you, nor let the chief deceiver (Satan) deceive you about Allâh. (Luqman 31:33)

"Say: 'O my Servants who have transgressed against their souls! Despair not of the Mercy of God: for God forgives all sins (except shirk): for He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.'" (39:53)

"And it is He who accepts repentance from His servants and pardons the evil deed and knows what you do." (42:25)

Allah, the Almighty, has said:

O Son of Adam, so long as you call upon Me and ask of Me, I shall forgive you for what you have done, and I shall not mind. O Son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I would forgive you. O Son of Adam, were you to come to Me with sins as great as the earth, and were you then to face Me ascribing no partners to Me, I would bring you forgiveness nearly as great as it.